What is LOVE?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hope all things, endure all things. Love never fail."

This bible passage sound simple, and pretty much define love. However, I'm still confuse, What is love? I heard "love" all the times in church, and I understand the fact that "God is pursuing us". But I never been in a relationship, and I never ask any girl out for a date. It's hard for me to grasp the concept of love.

There is an old Chinese phrase "Though you never eat pork, but at least you seem pig run" I watch it, I read about it, I listen to it, but have I experience it? Every times I go to church, and I heard about Christ. I think, man..... this pastor know what he's talking about! The sermon sound so right, and it makes me concur with him. You can hear million times about other peoples testimony, but you still need God to soften your heart. I know I acted I know about God's love, but the truth is I don't really know.

I realize, I'm not qualify to talks about love. Love is centering around suffering. I look at my life, and I found out that I didn't "give" to any of my relationships. My parent raised me up, and send me to America for education. But I did not honor my parent. My church contribute to my spiritual growth, but I did not tithe. Jesus die on the cross for my sin, and yet I do nothing, Peoples who never give will never understand love! They're lover of themselves, and they better off be alone. I'm not qualify to talks about love, because I don't give out.

To give out certain thing, it must comes from what you earned! I never earn anythings in my life, my parent gave me most of things. How can I give, when I got nothing. I'm speechless now.........................................................................................

My relationship with my family

I thought about going to watch Paranormal Activity II tonight with Matt, but I didn't get to go because I'm running out of money. I didn't get to go to CCF bonefire event either. I didn't go hang out with Beula with Intervasity. I guess I just can't make up my mind on what I want to do for Friday before Halloween. haha I'm so indecisive!!

At this moment, I want to talk about my relationship with my parent.

Luke 14:26

If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Ephesians 6:1-2 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother", which is the first commandment with promise: "that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."

This two bible verse seem to contrary to each other. How can you hate your parent, and honoring them at the same time? The meaning behinds Luke 14:26 is not actually hatred, but of God's love. Luke 14:26 is a descriptive verse about how much God love us. If you realize how much God stores for you, then you'll know that nothing in this world can compete with God's love. In respond to such love, you will obey and honors your parent. Due to the fact that God first love us, therefore we were able to love others. In the process of becoming like God we must love others just like how God loves us.

Indeed, I loves my parent. But I don't honor my parent. In fact, I always felt deep guilts toward my parent. Due to my inability to become independent. At the same time I felt my parent don't understand me at all. There is a huge gap between me and my parent.

Since I was little in elementary school, my Dad rarely come back home. My Dad is always busy, because he is the team captain of the city polices. I always afraid to talk to him, because he is the authority figure in the house. So if there is anythings I go to my Mom first.

When I was 12 my parent decided to send me to America to lives with my Aunt, so I can get education there. My first 4 years in America was miserable, because I live in a living room with my three other cousin for 4 years. Without any privacy in the living room, I often isolated myself. That is also the reason why I got sucks into playing online video game. I can play games like world of warcraft, or war of hammers for more than 12 hours a day. The living room is also connected to kitchens, so all of our cloths smells like Chinese foods. Until I went to college, I stuck through my teenager years alone.

I suffer without a father figure, and my response to that is to be passive. But there is still times where I have to decide for my self like which college to attends, and major declaration. When I needed my parent the most, they didn't shows up but only the financial support. Like when I need my Dad's help to clear my sexuality confusion. When I have in-grown-toe-nails for year, and my toes bleeding for year. when I runaway from my aunt's house, and thought about killing myself. I can't explain how much I suffers in the years of when I grow up without my parent there for me.

2 years ago, I met God. Through scripture and Campus Crusade, I was able to build my identity in Christ. And then this past summer, I told them about this identity. They accepted this new identity of Chiao. But for some reason I felt even more distant from my family than before. I wish that Jesus Christ would make a impact in my family.

I just called home. As always my Dad continue to persuade me to go to China. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CHINA!! Since the day I came to America, I always felt this baggage of responsibility. My mission in America is to success. Suddenly the success in my Dad view is now becomes "to go to China". Why can't I have my own life?? Why can I just get rid of this baggage? Can someone own my life just because he funded my life? I owes my parent too much, but why can I honor them in my own way?

When I look at Luke 14:26, and Ephesian 6:1. I got so confuse!! How can I apply these two passage to my own life? Why is these two verses suddenly contrary to each other when put into application? How can I fill the gap between me and my parent? Is God calling to go to China?

At this point, I gave up communicating with my Dad. My Dad determination in my life left no space for my own choice. Maybe I should be appreciate the fact that I get to keep my faith in Jesus Christ...... sigh!!

I want to exile myself.

I'm doing very bad in school now. In fact I just made a D in my Geology class. I'm not sad actually, I guess I'm used to it now. I tried so hard, seriously. Since the start of semester, I didn't get much sleep. I devoted most of my times to study, and I can't believe I end up like this. Maybe I just need to try harder. No Tipsy Tuesday today, because Matt and George are busy.

1King 19:7

" The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God."

In this passage, Elija was very depress because of Jezebel. Elija run away from his life and asked God to take aways his life. Instead, God comforted him and gave him some foods. Strange things happen in the mountain. A great winds tore mountain apart, and then earthquake, and then fires takes place in the wild. Finally, a gentle whisper saying "What are you doing here, Elija?"

I want to exile myself into the unknown! I want an adventure!

I'm not saying I want to be like Elija, to run away from his life. It just that my heart longing for freedom, and release. I want a transformation, and just get away from school. I don't know if King 19 explain my feeling right now, but that's all I can think of.

I always wondering where might God present. The general answer should be that God is everywhere, at the same time he is not of this world. But when you look into the bible, you'll find that God most likely to appear in somewhere like wildness. Moses too spend 40 days and 40 nights in wildness with God. John the baptist too, he start his ministry in the middle of the desert.

This pass summer break, I went to NWP summer project with Campus Crusade for Christ. It was so awesome. I was astonished by the beauty of God's creation. Temagami Lake in North Bay Canada is so beautiful, and so quiet. I had a close contact with God's glory, and it was awesome. But it's not enough, I guess I'll never have enough of God.

I feel like I'm stuck here!! I want to live free, and not bound to anythings. There are just too much responsibility, and duty need to fulfill. As a student, my duty is to study and do well in school. As an oldest son in the family, my responsibility is to take care of my parent when I get older. If I become a citizen of United States in the future, my duty is to pay taxes. Maybe I get marry one day, my responsibility is commit to my wife. As an Christian, my responsibility is to tithe to my church. I think I sound like I'm trying to escape of my life now. Of course, those things above are very important and very basics. As a man, we need to think how can we contribute to the country, to the family, and even to the church. Therefore I'm not trying to escape from those things.

Maybe that's why later on, God keep asking "What are you doing here, Elija" Though Elija spend 40 days in the wildness, but God reminded him of his mission. Elija's mission is to destroy the Baal worship in Israel. Maybe all of us need to get away, but ultimately there is a mission need to fulfill. Our mission, is to share the Gospel until the coming of Jesus Christ.

Maybe movie do a better explanation job than I do.

or like the movie Benjamin Button, where Benjamin wrote a letter to his daughter.

I don't know... these two clips sort of inspire me to uh..... exile myself haha

Confusion with sexuality

Yesterday, I went to see the game for the first time this semester. I got lucky, because Matt's parent have an extra ticket. His parent is awesome, and Mrs. Warnick is funny. Anyway, we beat Marshall with 37:10. It's a pretty chill game.

I want to shared my favorite passage, Genesis 19.

Basically God decide to destroy two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. When Abraham heard this, he went to negotiate with God. If God can find 10 righteous men in the Sodom, then he won't destroy it. God send two angels down, and there they find a man named Lot. So they spends a night in Lot's house, because it is not safe to be around out there in the city. When the night came, every Sodomite surrounded Lot's house. These Sodomites wants to rape's Lot's guest. Lot offers a deal to exchange his daughters for the safety of his guests. But they refuse the offer, and they going to break into Lot's house. Then the angels come out and struck the Sodomites with blindness. So Lot's family flee from the city, because God is going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.

There are tons of sin in Sodom and Gomorrah. But a particular sin that is mentioned in Genesis 19 is homosexuality.

Levitcus 18:22 "You shall not lie with a male as with a women."

1 Corinthians 6:9 "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites.

Yes, I'm struggle with homosexuality. Does that mean I'm out of the closet now? haha

No, I'm not gay. Still, I'm struggling with lust.

1 John 2:16 "For all that is in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--is not of the Father but is of the world.

Through scriptures I clearly understand that homosexual is sin, and therefore I will never ever walk down that path. But I lust after the Sodomites, and the homosexuals.

Lust cause a huge problem between my relationship with God. I can not trust God fully, because I am confused with my sexuality. Matt keeps telling me that, "Just trust God that he will provide an awesome women for Chiao" How can I trust God that he provide, when I don't even know what I want? I met a cute Asian girl recently, and I'm scare to makes a move. I really want to get to know her, and I'm interested in her. But I don't know do I like her or not.

I think I'll rather be single, because I can not provides happiness to my future girlfriend. But I want a companion to walk through my life, together. Couple years later, I'll be graduated. My best friend Matt is going to graduate next year. George is in Greenville now, but who knows what? What I'm trying to say is that friends don't last!

I want a relationship, I hate to be alone. This sucks...

Bigger and Better

This week has been so awesome. I just chill, relax, and enjoy life.

We didn't have Crusade meeting tonight, instead we play a game called bigger and better. So basically we starts with a penny and just ask around to trade for a bigger and better thing. So me and my group went to the mall..... Finally, we end up with a beach bag, a pair of slipper , and a metal box. We won, and end of story!! haha, I'm a bad story teller.

Today I finally finished up with book of Acts. It took me two months to read this book, because I got distracted very easily. I still have some questions regarding Paul, so I probably not going to jump into Romans until later. Book of Acts is crazy haha.

1. So Paul is Roman, but he is also a Jews? I'm confused.
2. Why Paul need to hurry back to Jerusalem to attend to Pentecost? I know that Paul made a certain vow, and he was led by the spirit? And then after that Paul, became a Rome missionary.

But I'm so excited to see what's going on in Rome..... I guess I'll just figure it out later.

Acts 20:24

"But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

At this point, Paul is still trying to hurry back to Jerusalem. So he is saying goodbye to the elders of Ephesus at the Miletus. Acts 20 is just showing how Paul encourages them, and testify himself to them.

2 Timothy 4:7

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, There is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing."

At the end, Paul is writing a letter to Timothy. Paul is prison in Rome, and it's about his time. If you read through entire 2Timothy, you'll find out that Paul use a similar tone to encourage Timothy just as he encourages the Ephesian elders.

Anyway, from Acts 20 to 2Timothy, Paul really kept the faith. From Miletus till prison in Rome, nothing ever moves Paul just as Paul said it. Paul said that he may finish the race, and he really finish it. Paul have something that I'm lack of.

This is my relationship with Christ. I told God that I'm not going to lust after the Sodomites. But in reality I continue to mess up. I don't want to pull out a card saying "I'm not perfect." 2009 winter conference Encounter, I decide to read my bible in one year as a hope for 2010. The truth is I quit after two weeks.

I lack the discipline to follow up. I lack the ambitions to becomes a leader. I lack the confidence, because I'm just not competitive enough for the race. I lack the trust in Christ, just as I mentioned in previous post, and I still kept my stupid pride.

Deep down, I see myself as a coward! I have so much need to get done, but I always ignore the reality. 8-10 months ago, my parent send me a lot of moneys. They wants me to buy a car, since I always complaint how inconvenience to live in America without a car. I failed my driver licence three times, and I still haven't pass the test. So during 8-10 months, I only take the test three times WOW!! I'm just too passive. You know, if you want something so bad then God will give it to you.

2 King 13:14-20

King Joash went to the prophet Elisha and ask for victory over Syria. Elisha told the king to strikes the arrow on the ground many times. Joash only strike it three times, and then he stops. He should have strikes 5-6 times, in order to completely destroy Syria. So now Joash can only obtain 3 victory over Syria.

I'm just like Joash!! I want Jesus Christ so bad! I want crown of righteousness so bad! I remember two years ago in Big Break 2008. I ran to the ocean and cry out to Jesus Christ, because I just want salvation so bad! There is a race, a mission, a fight, and a cause. But I doubt whether or not I'll have the faith to carry it. The point is I want it so bad, why can't I have it?

so I just want to write something down

I been pretty busy recently. I'm taking 17 credit hours, and I'm not doing so good in school. I have so much to get done, but I never have enough times. Finally I think I just need to pause and ponder for a seconds, because life is just going too fast for me. This is the perfect time to start a blog, and write somethings down. haha

I guess I'm just going start of writing about what I been learning.

Genesis 11:4 "Come let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heaven"

I heard about this verse during CCF meeting, and then I imediately thinks about Isaiah 14:12-13

"O morning star, son of the dawn!
You said in your heart,
I will ascend to heaven;
I will raise my throne above the stars of God,
I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,
on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain."

Don't we sound just like Satan. I think that Genesis 11 is a good representation of how men are slave by Satan. The pride in our life blinds us, and eventually lead us into a pit. Though the tower was never able to complete, because God scatter men all over the earth. I think the tower of babel still exist, which reside in our heart.

I'm not a arrogance person! Instead, I have a very low self esteem. But I have this tower of babel in my heart, and continue to builds up. No one has ever witness such contrustion. The tower only reavel itself when I feeling very very depress. And I am depress now.............

When I'm feeling down, I don't go to God directly. I look for pleasure, comfort, and Satan. Usually I thinks about getting drunk, party, and forget all of my struggle. I fall into masturbration, and pornographic. I constantly looking for excuses for sining. The point is that, why don't I just go to God and pray about it? That is because I continue to build a tower of babel inside of me. I rather licks off my wound, than surrendering myself to God.

This is my relationship with Christ. Normally, I am a typical Christian. I mean I like to pray, worship, and just passionate for Christ. It's not like that during the times of depression. We are call to share our life with Christ. Sharing is not bunch of need to do list. Sharing don't just happen in church, and quiet times. Wether happiness or sorrow, we are to share with Christ I want to share my life with Jesus Christ, I want him to be in every parts of my life. So I pray that next spiritual attack, I'll be able to endure in Christ.

Tipsy Tuesday with George and Matt has been pretty awesome. I really learned a lot from two of my best friends. Ben Warnick and Matt's family are comming this weekend. Ha, I just can't wait to see Ben's sad face. There is no way that Marshall win. We just beat State, and It's homecoming. So ha ECU will dominate the game.